Epic Love Stories (FAIL)

In this age, where love happens to people before puberty does and gets over before they can say ‘I love you’, there are some epic love stories that haven’t got their due. Especially mine. Or that is what I would like to think so. Or those can be my epic infatuation stories. It must be so because most of the girls have told me that. “You know, I don’t think its love. I believe it’s just infatuation.” Although, many of them wouldn’t know what that actually means. They think that it is susum wala love and not ishq wala love. However, as I understood over the years, the word infatuation is a euphemism for ‘No’. No Amit ji, not only No means No. When a girl speaks about your infatuation with her, even that means No. Not unlike what Rekha ji must have told you.

So, while we are speaking about euphemisms, there is one single line, used to death by people, which has caused more heartbreaks than there are rockstars in this world and that is, ‘You deserve better’. Iss akeli line ne kitne jeevan tabah kiye hain ki kya batau? Aur batana bhi kya hai, someone must have told this to you as well. This line provides an easy way out where you don’t hurt the others feeling of being a pathetic, miserable, low-life he actually is and leaving him with some sense of hope.

Baba Akki had said in Garam Masala, ‘Jo humein chahiye, unhe hum nahi chahiye. Aur jinhe hum chahiye, wo kise chahiye?’ Now I would like to paraphrase the last part a bit. Because, a) one must not use such harsh language for people who love them (are infatuated by them) and b) I am not so rich and famous and good looking as Akki. But mostly because I am not so rich and famous and good looking as Akki. However, there’s no denying that truth lies in those few words. Life is a Cycle of Friendzone. Mahatma Gandhi had rightly said that, “A friendzone for a friendzone would leave the entire world with friends without benefits”.

Indian colleges prove to be the most fertile ground for love to blossom. For a solid three years (or four, if you are an engineer) a girl can be revered by half the college as Bhabhi. Make that half her life, if they are pursuing medical education. And the funny thing is that the Bhabhi is none the more intelligent about this pure relationship she shares with half the college all her college life because Bhaiyya is too shy (read: shit scared) to confess his infatuation. Just that the Bhaiyya will say this to his friends all those years ‘Dekh, dekh teri bhabhi ja rahi hai!’ That brings me to a question that has plagued me all my life. Do the girls also say among themselves, Dekh, dekh, tera Jija ja raha hai!’?

The movie Ranjhana established that ‘Mohalle walo ka pyaar aksar doctor, engineer le jate hain’. But social media is rife with statements that engineers experience no emotion of love all those 4 years. The only e-motion they experience is the simple harmonic motion while their eyes are glued to some e-sites. And as said in Piku, uss motion se hi emotion nikalta hai. Or as Akshay said in Boss, “Apna kya hai, apne ko to bas paani nikalna hai!”

When we are talking about love, how can we forget about the movie industry's contribution. We have met all the Rajs and Rahuls who have given the girls impossible image of their lover and the boys have got a miserable life as a result. and then there is my favorite Telugu movie industry. I was watching a movie where Nagarjuna says to the heroine, “I love you (pause). You thought I would say this. But I am not gonna do it. I just wanted to break your pride. Heh!” And I was like WHAT! No, a man cannot do such thing. He has to say yes. Haven’t you heard about the declining sex ratio? But such swag. Much respect sire. Only a Southie could have done this. And my belief was sustained when I saw one of my Telugu friends who had made his profile on matrimonial sites just to friendzone girls. And kids, that’s why watching movies from South is necessary. To imbibe the swag and guts to do such epic shit.

Anyway, let’s get back to my epic love stories. I have been in love with every single girl I have met. Yes, the intensity and duration differs but I, indeed, have been in love with every one of them. When I meet a girl for the first time, the song ‘Dil sambhal ja zara, phir mohabbat karne chala hai tu’, automatically starts to play in my cranium. And that’s just when I have only met. By the time we have a small chit chat and I have already imagined my life with her. Even thought of our kids’ name. Just like Ali does in the Dhoom series, which eventually shatters with the introduction of Jai Bhaiyya.  And there is always a Jai Bhaiyya. Every damn time. And it takes less than a nanosecond for this Jai Bhaiyya to change my ringtone from 'Kyuki Tum hi ho' to 'Tu pyaar hai kisi aur ka, tujhe chahta koi aur hai'. And all those good moments when I imagined radio-persons saying, “This song was demanded by Chunnu, Raju, Pappu, Munni, Gudiya and all their siblings from Jhumri Taliyya", they all go down the drain. Literally. However, not all (almost none) of my love stories get going.  

I am like the Rohit Sharma of the romantic world. So, normally my love stories die a premature death. The few that manage to get a start, I successfully squander them due to many of my innate flaws. And then I go back to my Kumar Sanu playlist of 90s songs. By God ki kasam, my eyes became Bhakhra-Nangal during those 90-odd minutes. So after all those failures I questioned myself where did I go wrong.

I did exactly what the advertisements had told me to. I had purchased all those FMCG products that assured that love would happen if I used it. Be it Axe deodorants or Nescafe or even Amul Macho. Hell, I even used Chutki masala believing that love would happen at the snap of my fingers. But some things are just not meant to be. Some times it is the timing (and having no Rolex or Omegas doesn't help either) and during others it that compatibility thing doesn't work out (just like a 3.5 mm jack and an iPhone7). But then I calm myself down by realizing that dump to Hritik bhi hua tha, hum kis khet ki mooli hain.

But, all said and done, I am still hopeful that the Axe deo that I bought today would show its effect. Oh shit! The shopkeeper gave me Fogg instead. Damn, now I'll have to wait a month more for my next epic love story.